I'm Happy....

I distinctly remember writing a paper in high school about what my adult life would look like in my 16 year old mind.  A college graduate, a record producer (which I'm still not really even sure of what that ACTUALLY is), a wife, a mother, a home owner and, inexplicably to me as a grown up version of that student, a vegetarian.  I had it all figured out, as the assignment was to be as detailed as possible.  I would wake up, get the 2.5 kids ready for school, see my architect husband off to work, and go to my recording studio (what??).  I remember the paper detailed that I would meet "the band" at the studio (this making me laugh, like out loud, right now) and we would lay down some tracks (laughing harder).  Then I would pick the kids up from school, make them do their homework, play with our yellow lab named Mustard (I was a weird 16 year old), and prepare some delicious vegetarian meal.  My husband would come from architecting (I don't know....drawing a futuristic mall all day or something?) and we would all tell each other about our day.  Repeat 5 days a week and on weekends we would go to Monster Truck rallies or art museums or volunteer at a homeless shelter.  This was the ideal life of my teenage self, I guess.

I have none of these things.  I am not married, no kids, no house, no Mustard.  I'm not a record producer (someone seriously tell what that really is) nor did I graduate college.  I eat a lot of various meats and have never even considered being a vegetarian.  Not once.  I have none of these things, yet I'm happy.  Take THAT 16 year old me!

I think that, from an early age, we are programmed to want the cool things we see around us.  Obviously.  What else is there to want besides what you have been positively surrounded by?  When you're a kid, you think the families on your favorite sitcom are something you aspire to have.  You think that your family is NOTHING like this perfect family (except Roseanne, of course) and you want to create that for yourself.  You are inspired by your teachers and are determined to teach that EXACT social studies class when you get older.  You see a house on the cover of a magazine at your dentist's office and are certain that you will live in that house by the time you're 25.  Simple.  Well, know-it-all kids, guess what?  NO.

You can plan your life all you want, but in the end your life will just kind of HAPPEN to you.  The choices you make, the people you choose to share your life with, the hard work you put into any little thing, THAT'S what life is.  I'm telling you right now....you can't plan it.  You can plan to go to college, graduate and work hard to procure your dream job, but the family thing will have wait.  You can plan to have the 2.5 kids, the house and Mustard, but some of your passions and career aspirations will either be put on hold or disappear all together.  The full package, as mentioned in the above high school assignment, is a myth.  Sure, there are people that are living their perfect life, but I can guarantee you, their version of their perfect life has changed, in more ways then one.

The moral of the story, kids (HIMYM), is that happiness lies in your immediate vicinity.  If not, change either your version of perfect or your surroundings.  Either way, don't think about what you thought your life would be like.  It's not that.  It probably will never be that.  But, you still win if you are happy.  Always. 

Long time, no blog.

It has come to my attention that people not only actually liked my Blogs, but are somewhat disappointed with me for not keeping up with it.  Well, according to my very thoughtful, but sometimes overbearing, sister anyway.  I understand that I forced all of you to become invested in at least some aspects of my life then left you hanging.  My bad.  Here's an overview of what I've been up to for the past few months......

First of all, let me just say that I have never been happier in my entire life.  I love my job, my boyfriend, our cat, my home and all my friends.  I also love the fact that I have not had to rely on the crutch that my Blob became.  It was more of a cry for help then anything, really.  It was almost as if I wrote about my plight as a fat girl, I wouldn't have to do anything else.  Just make people laugh and cry with  me over my unfortunate circumstances and feel good about myself when people show their support by "liking" what I wrote or sending me words of encouragement.  It felt good.  Too good.  It was too easy to feel fulfilled by not really DOING anything.  Does that make sense?  I didn't have to DO anything about my weight because people were giving me so much attention and I started to feel good without losing weight.  ANYways, enough of that. 

I started working out with a group of people from my work.  I go three days a week, sometimes twice a day to a rec center here in town.  The hospital I work for was generous enough not only to give us all free memberships to the center, but also hire a company that sent three personal trainers from Arizona to live here for 12 weeks and train us every day.  We do some yoga poses, strength training, core work and cardio.  The trainers are so flippin' nice and encouraging.  They teach us the correct way to do the moves, correct us when our form is wrong and generally allow us to be the best people we can be.  I'm telling you, I'm doing things I never thought I could.  I RUN.  I never even thought my body could physically do it, but it is.  I'm a pro at lunges and glute bridges and thoracic rotations and deep squats and mini band work and tightening by butt cheeks.  This is week 4 and I'm already getting sad that it's only a 12 week deal.

Just so everyone knows, I'm not weighing myself during this.  I know myself well enough to not.  When I used to try to work out and try to get healthy in the past, I'd work my ass off for a week, get on the scale and see little to no change and become discouraged.  I'd be like, "I worked so hard and ate so good and I lost no weight.  Fuck it.  Big Mac for dinner it is..."  So, just to ensure there is no stopping this, I will not weigh myself.  I will just bask in the glory of an energized day and know that I am making healthy decisions.

So, that's what I've been up to.  Thanks for reading. 





P.S. If I don't write as often as I used to, just know that I am filling my time wisely and doing well.

XOXOXO

You Damn Kids And Your Sickening Posts......

There is something so sickening and wrong being posted on Facebook and I am tired of holding my tongue and scrolling quickly by. Over the past week I’ve seen at LEAST 4 different horrific pictures of dogs being tortured in one way or another. I’ve wanted so badly to comment “Really?” or “C,MON” or even “Is this really necessary??”, but I haven’t. I didn’t want to draw more attention to these disgusting pictures. I didn’t want to give the posters the satisfaction of knowing these pictures had affected me in any way. These pictures are erroneous, perverted and intended only to shock and appall.

 

Before you say, “Well? It’s the truth…these things are happening and people have to be aware of it….” let me make some suggestions on how you can help poor, defenseless animals WITHOUT unnecessarily exploiting their pain and anguish:

 

• Post a link to a website that responsibly informs people about the abuse of animals and, more importantly, tells us how we can help.
• Start a website (or blog) about cruelty to animals YOURSELF....I mean, it means so much to you that you post disgusting pictures on Facebook, so why not put your time and money where your mouth is and DO something about it.
• Do some research about when and where these things are happening and call the police.
• Get a bunch of people together and protest a pit bull ring or puppy mill.
• Donate food, blankets, detergent, litter, toys, or money to your local shelter.  At least you can contribute to the humane treatment of animals in that secure environment.
• Speak up if and when you see an animal being mistreated.
• Help look for a lost dog in your neighborhood.

These are just a few things you can do to help fight the terrible treatment of animals.  You don't need to post pictures of mangled dog faces and "rape belts" or whatever they're called.  If you were such a dog lover, those pictures would infuriate you and your response would not be re-post, but to gasp and click "x".

Bottom line:  If you post those pictures, you are a jerk and you know it.

XOXOXO

 

 

 

Lazy man's blog.....

It's not so much a "blog" as it is a really cool quote I found today......

 



 

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power

to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration;

I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides.…..”

 

 - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

XOXOX

NO Christmas tree, NO Christmas tree.....

Seeing all of the Christmas trees on top of cars, posted on Facebook and on TV really has got me in a mood.  Christmas trees are my most favorite thing of all.  The twinkling lights, the family ornaments, the smell of pine, the garland shimmering off the white lights, the glow in the living room when you turn off the lamps.....I could go on and on...... 

I have been wandering from place to place, with roommate after roommate, for the past few years.  None of which did I feel comfortable putting up my Christmas decorations in or with.  Not that my apartments were too small or my roommates were assholes or anything.  It just didn't feel right putting up a tree with my family's decorations on it in a place that didn't feel like home.  Well, now I have what I feel is a true home, with the most wonderful man that ever lived and a cat that I love so much, but loves being naughty more than me or said wonderful man.  Which brings me to my problem....that f-ing cat.....

I love the cat and everything, but he is a little pistol and gets into everything.  The garbage, my underwear drawer, under the sink, under the bed, under my FEET and everything else he can either leap or scrapple up (scrapple is a term we made up that describes when a cat uses their claws to scratch up any surface in order to get where they need to go, JSYK).  That being said, a Christmas tree is out of the question.  We tried to put one up last year and, within an hour, Hammy had taken all of the garland off and was eating like 6 candy canes at once.  Not that I blame him.  The tree was just too much for him.  All the glitter, lights and general wonderment made it impossible to leave alone.  So...no tree.

 

I have been forced to be creative this Holiday season by staple-gunning garland to my ceiling and hanging ornaments from it.  While it certainly isn't a tree, it's still pretty cool looking.  Now, if I play play the Christmas station, spray my Glade Winter Pine bathroom spray and squint my eyes really good, I might just be able to get through a tree-less Christmas.  Stupid, handsome, cuddly, naughty cat.....

 

XOXOXO

I'm a mean girl, and that's not fetch......

One thing that annoys me is gossiping and talking behind each other’s backs at work.  Especially where I work, most of our efforts should be focused on our patients and tasks at hand, not who’s on a personal call or wearing the wrong kind of shoes.  It has always irked me to hear whispering, crouched and mushed into a cubicle where all you can here are the gossipers “sh’s”.  Like, “SHE blah blah blah blah SHE blah blah SHE blah blah blah SHE.”  Believe me; you know what I’m talking about if you work in a quiet office with a bunch of women. 

 

The reason I’m bringing this up is that I, believe it or not (ha ha), was the gossiper yesterday at work.  I was having a really rough day and I received an email that rubbed me the wrong way for no reason at all.  It was someone asking me a question about something she didn’t know and I took it to somehow be degrading to me.  I still have no idea why it bothered me so much, but I did what all other dumb chicks do when a co-worker bothers them…..talk shit to another co-worker.  I felt bad instantly and knew I had become the very thing I hated so much.  I wanted so bad to suck back in the words for two reasons, 1. I didn’t even really mean any of the things I had said and 2. I didn’t want to be known as the asshole that everyone steers clear of like I do to some people I work with.  So, I talked shit yesterday, and today, the person I talked shit to told the person I was talking shit about.  Follow that?  (If you’re a girl, you did.  If you’re a boy, you might as well stop reading right now and go play Xbox or something.)  OK, so, my co-worker told my other co-worker that I talked shit and that she shouldn’t trust me.  How do I know she told the person?  Read on, my friend…..

This morning I was summoned by the very gal I was a mean girl to.  She asked if we could talk privately and I knew right away what it was about.  My heart sank.  She had always been so sweet to me and now she thinks I’m a total dick.  Which I was.  We went to an empty area and she gave me the best speech I had ever heard.  It went something like this:

“Robyn.  I know that you said some things about me yesterday and I’m not quite sure where it was coming from, but I know that’s not you.  You have a good heart and I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt.  I didn’t want to talk badly about you behind your back and perpetuate the negativity on our team, so I thought I’d come to you and let you know that people here think you’re awesome and I don’t want you to sink to other people’s level.”

I couldn’t believe it.  She was saying all the exact right things.  I felt so bad, but good at the same time?  She is an amazing woman and handled this with such grace.  I felt like a real turd.  Like when you were little and your Dad says “I’m disappointed” instead of yelling at you.   I apologized and let her know that I didn’t really mean the things I said and that I instantly felt bad when I said them.  All was well and we went back to work.

The moral of the story is this, don’t talk shit about a co-worker unless you’re 100% sure they won't ever know.  Just kidding.  The real moral is don't be a jerk and talk smack behind any one's back (at least at work) because you'll be an even bigger jerk than the jerk you're talking about.


XOXOXOXO

Confessions of a jerk-face.......

I am a procrastinator.  I am sometimes very lazy and would rather be home, relaxing with my boyfriend then really anything else.  I am unapologetically selfish and I think everyone should be.  I think the word "selfish" shouldn't  always have negative conotations, by the way.  I believe everyone has one life and they should live it how they like, as long as they let me do the same.  I am bothered by a lot and take action very little.  I help when I can and I don’t when I don’t feel like it, unless it’s a matter of life or death, which it rarely is.  I say I’m going to do things and sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.  I don’t see the big deal in doing things that feel and seem good at the time.  I used to care a lot about everyone and every little thing, but I don’t as much anymore.  I’m not sure if it’s my age or my experiences, but I am realizing more and more that people are mostly jerks and, given the chance, most people will do things that will benefit themselves before others.  And it’s OK.  It’s human nature.

Having said all that, it was brought to my attention yesterday that there were some people who really liked my blog and were inspired by it.  Everything’s awesome in the beginning.  I had big ideas of writing about losing weight and having pounds magically melt off my body just by watching the “how many times your blog has been viewed” ticker go up.  That will not happen, I’m fully aware, but it felt like it might.  It really did.  The truth is that I felt the pressure to blog every day about losing weight, even though I’m the one that had the idea.  I just thought it would get annoying to readers eventually…like how many blogs can you read that start with, “I’m fat and I’m tired of it” or “I went to the gym today..”  I wouldn’t want to read that.  You wouldn’t either.  I set myself up for failure and I’m pretty sure I knew it from the beginning.

I haven't been to the gym in over 2 weeks and I hate it with a passion when I'm there.  I've eaten so many desserts and fattening foods over the past week, I've stopped trying to keep track altogether.  My job is becoming stressful and I find myself coming home, putting on my pajama pants and playing Bingo online for most of the night.  That is the truth. 

ANYways, here I am, starting over.  Again.  Blogging feels good, so I'm going to continue to write.  Maybe it won't be ALL about weight loss, but it will definitely be about something real.  Real to me, anyways. 

Thanks for reading.

XOXOXO