The Mel Brooks Confusion

There are certain things you see or experience when you're very young that you don't understand until later in life.  A tampon commercial, for example - "Now, where does THAT go?"  Or a word you'd heard on TV and you use it like it's no biggie - "Mom, are you and Dad french kissing?" (that for real happened when I was like 4 or something).  Or maybe you saw something in a movie that you THOUGHT you knew what it meant, but learned later on that you were not only WAY off, but are thankful that you didn't know about it at the time.  This brings me to my next blopic (I tried to mix blog and topic right there....I think I just created something wonderful)......OK...here it is for real.....

The History of the World Part 1.

First of all, if you haven't seen this movie, please do yourself a favor, get high (if you're into that sort of thing) and watch this movie.  It's a Mel Brooks genius of a movie and it's very silly.  My sister and I stumbled across this movie in the 80s after my Uncle had shown my Dad how to stick a paperclip under the cable box to get the pay channels for free.......which is a whole other topic....blopic.....  We found History of the World Part 1 on HBO one night and fell in love instantly with all that is Mel Brooks.  Unfortunately, I may have been a bit too young to fully grasp some of the jokes and what I THOUGHT I got, I totally didn't.  Here are the highlights, in no particular order:

 

Apes Dying?

This was the very opening scene and I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen.  It was this group of what I thought were apes, banging on their chests and making grunting sounds.  Funny to any adolescent.  So, the apes were standing in a row with a beautiful sunset behind them (I'm trying to set the scene here...)  They first started banging on their chests, as previously mentioned, but then they start banging a little lower, on their tummy areas.  Then then pounded a little lower and a little lower until they died.  The End.  That was what I THOUGHT happened the first time I saw it.  I truly thought that Mel Brooks was opening this movie with dying gorillas and I thought it was fucking genius.  What an innocent little soul. 

So, this is what it REALLY was....

They were Neanderthals (Word is capitalizing this, so it must be right) that first started banging on their chests while a narrator is talking about the dawn of man.  Then they slowly move down their bodies and start masturbating.  They masturbate so hard then come simultaneously and pass out.  You guys, the movie OPENS with masturbating Neanderthals.  You don't need any more reason to watch it then that.

 Happy Smoke?

 

The next one can only be described to you by the little-kid-that-is-watching-this-for-the-first-time version of me.......

"OK, so there's this group of people running from the Roman Army in a chariot and the mean Romans are gaining on them when the black-ish guy sees this plant in a field and stops the group and picks some of these plants and makes a tube rocket that he lights and all this smoke or fog or something fills the field and the Romans run through the fog and then they get really happy and sleepy and dance with each other!  It was SOOOO funny!!!" 

 

OK, so obviously Nancy Reagan was doing a good job at the time because I had NO idea what weed was or ANY drug for that matter.  Obviously, the plant was marijuana and the "paper rocket" was a giant joint (seen here to our left).  I don't want to give too much away here, but things get very funny, very quickly.  Won't you Netflix this movie, please?    

 

Magic Feather?

 

Now, to the REAL genesis of my greatest Mel Brooks confusion.  The rising, magic feather.  OK, so Gregory Hines played this runaway slave who hiding in the emperors palace.  He's pretending to be a eunuch guard and has this white feathery fan covering his privates.  Now, here's the first thing that went over my head.  I had no idea what a eunuch was (actually, I didn't REALLY know until I just Googled it a few minutes ago and even now I'm a little confused).  ANY ways, they think he's an imposter so they run a little test......  This hot, barely clothed lady starts dancing seductively in front of each one.  None of them react, until she gets to Gregory Hines (I want to call him Greg SO bad).  When she's finished gyrating and basically humping the air in front of him, the middle feather of his fan rises up in the air.  Like magic.  Then they knew he wasn't a eunuch.

 

OK, so a eunuch is castrated.  No wiener, for those of you who don't watch Game of Thrones.  Greg gets a boner, thus proving he has a wiener.  Very funny, but absolutely NO child would have understood that.  My sister and I agree that it was the most frustrating part of watching that movie.  NO ONE would tell us why the feather went up!  My sister brought up a good point that if someone DID tell us why it went up, they would then have to explain the WHOLE THING.  Like, what happens AFTER a wiener goes up, why the lady MADE it go up, where babies come from...the whole nine.  I didn't know what it meant for a LONG time.  But, now I do, so don't worry.

 

 

In conclusion, watch History of the World Part 1.  But, not if you're 6 years old.  Unless you're a masturbating, pot smoking, boner knowing 6 year old.  In which case.....give the phone to your mother.  I should probably talk to her.

 

 

 

 

XOXOXO - Robyn

90's Movies Memories

We've all had our share of memorable movie-going experiences.  Some are memorable because they move you, some because they make you laugh or some because of their cultural significance.  The following four 90's movies were memorable for ME for other reasons and I’d like to share those stories with you now – in order in which they were experienced……

 

 

1.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 – The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

 

 

 

This movie was HUGE with 90’s kids.  In this film, we learn the genesis of the Turtles mutation, are introduced to some sort of Mega-Villain that I can’t totally remember, and, OH yeah, the hunk of hip hop - Vanilla.  Ice.  (Yep Yep).   Aside from all that, this was a milestone in my adolescence because this was…..my very first date. 

 

It was with this boy that I thought was REAL cool with his tiny, feathery mullet and some sort of Bart Simpson t-shirt.  The only catch to this 11 year old child rendezvous was that both of our siblings had to accompany us.  So, while we were awkwardly sharing popcorn while trying to keep our sweaty little paws in the proper movie-watching-hand-holding position, my sister was to my left and his brother was to his right – one or the other constantly staring and snickering at us.  It was uncomfortable to say the least, but as an adult, I am more uncomfortable about the fact that I was even ON a “date” in 5^th grade.  

 

I don’t remember a ton of details about this prepubescent tryst, but what sticks out in my head most is that my sister did my hair for me in 2 french braids – Dorothy Gale style – for my big date.  I thought it was the COOLEST.  So much so that, when I returned home that night, I used half the bottle of my Mom’s Paul Mitchell hairspray to keep it in place for school the next day.  I just kept spraying and spraying and spraying, thinking the more I sprayed, the more it would stay.  The next day at school, kids were starting to whisper and point at me until one of my friends gave me a teeny mirror and told me to go look at the back of my hair in the bathroom mirror.   I did as instructed and, you guys?, my entire head was one big ball of big white flakes and crusty knots.  It was terrible.  I didn’t know hairspray turned into crust when you apply 25 layers of it!  Woops. 

  

Ok, first date and first school humiliation.  Check.

 

On to…....

 

2.  The Crow (1994)

 

 

 

Oh my GOD did teens girls love this movie (at least the ones I hung out with).  I think it was the mixture of Brandon Lee’s fatality while shooting the movie and pure-on teenage angst but secretly wanting someone to “get” them.  I’ve only seen this movie the one time I saw it in the theater, but I do remember goth make-up, leather pants, and wanting to be The Crow’s love interest.  “Dear The Crow, I am 15 years old and in desperate need of you to come to my bedroom window and make out with me…”  

 

I remember one of my friends in particular would NOT stop talking about the end of the movie where, according to her, The Crow and his fiancée share the “best kiss I have EVER seen in my LIFE”.  She said this kiss had changed her life, completely.  She told me this before I actually went to see the movie, so I was very excited to get to see this extraordinary kiss she had raved about for WEEKS.  I anxiously anticipated the end of the movie, knowing I would be blown away by the love portrayed on the screen through a single kiss.  I was ready for my entire life to be changed forever.  I was preparing to take mental notes on how to execute this wonderful kiss for future use.  And then it happened……a normal fucking kiss.  There was nothing special about this kiss, in my opinion.  I feel like I had just seen my PARENTS kiss like that the night before.  My friend had GROSSLY misled me.  I don’t know if she was under some love spell from her first real crush of life, but that kiss was average at best.  Of course, after I told her my opinion, she declared me insane and could not believe I didn’t cream my jeans over that dumb assed PECK between two (spoilers!) GHOSTS.  Dumb.  Please Netflix this movie, watch the ending kiss and let me know if it does anything for ya.   Go.  Do it now.  I’ll wait…….  SEE?!!??   NBD.

 

I guess the way she explained this kiss and the anticipation of waiting to see it is what was most vivid about this memory.  Fuck The Crow and fuck that kiss.  Next….. 

 

 

3. Wyatt Earp (1994)

 

 

 

 

This one isn’t THAT coo-coo, but it burns in my memory banks just the same.  I liked this boy, no, MAN, in high school (for a fleeting moment, in retrospect), and he FINALLY asked me out to a movie.  I was so fucking nervous, for many reasons: 

 

1.  I had never gone out with an older dude. 

 

2. He was like THREE years older than me and, when you’re 15, that’s like TEN adult years. 

 

3. I was pretty sure he would want me to touch his wiener in exchange for this movie. 

 

4.  I had never touched a wiener before and did NOT plan to start now.

 

5. I had a VERY strict curfew on school nights, 9:30pm, and the movie started at 8:15pm.

 

So, we go to see Wyatt Earp.  I don’t remember ONE thing about the movie except that it was called Wyatt Earp.  The entire time we were in the movie theater my brain was switching rapidly from one concern to the next.   Will I be grounded when I get home late?  Will this guy I BARELY know DATE rape me?  What will I do if he tries to make me do “stuff”?  What will my Dad say to me when he finds out I’m with this older dude ALONE in car AND movie theater?  My mind was going insane and about 45 minutes into the movie, I decided it was do or die.  I had to do something that would a) get me home before 9:30pm and b) avoid any bodily contact of any sort between this boy and I.  So, I d did the only thing my brain would allow – I pretended to barf on the floor of the theater.  Right in the middle of Wyatt Earp.  It was dark in the theater and no one would know I didn’t really puke.  I just made coughing and gagging noises for, like, 5 seconds.  The dude was SUPER freaked out and was like “GET UP!”  We both got out of our seats and I pretended to step over the fake pile puke and he followed suit.  We immediately went to his car and he drove me home in silence. 

 

I made it home at 9:25pm. 

 

I did not have to touch any wieners.  

 

I was a genius. 

 

 

4.  Empire Records (1995)

 

 

 

This movie was GOOD.  I find myself watching it every time it happens to be on TV to this day.  The characters were relatable to my 16 year old self and the clothes, I thought at the time, were AMAZING.    The only drawback to viewing this movie now is the resonating memory of what my friend did to the theater floor when we went to see it my Junior year.

My two friends and I went opening weekend to see this movie, after seeing countless commercials for it on MTV.  We anxiously awaiting the opening credits and from the first minute of rockin' music and characters that were almost our age, we were in awe.  This movie got it right.  We were mesmerized by the hipness and didn't want to miss a single frame of the film.  Well, apparently, my one friend REALLY didn't want to miss a thing.....  After informing us that she needed to go to the bathroom, we were like "Go ahead, we'll fill you in on what you missed."  She took that suggestion quite literally.  Before I knew it, she was inching forward, undoing her jeans and squatting on the floor in from of her seat!  She.  Was.  PEEING.  In the theater.  Just pissing away while Ethan Embry sang into a broom handle.  I could not believe it.  I actually STILL can't to this day.  The theater rows were on a decline, so her pee pee just flowed right down to the front row......right at the feet of some unsuspecting preteen boys.  It was the most shocking thing I had seen in my young life. 

After the movie was over, and the credits were rolling, I noticed the boys in the front row getting up and looking down at their feet.  I heard one of them say "Aw MAN!  Someone spilled their Mountain Dew!!"  I was mortified.

That was 100% a true story. 

 

 

 I actually just realized one or more of you reading this may have been a part of one or more of these stories.  If you remember them, I hope you got a good chuckle.  For the rest of you, this has been just a small glimpse into my teenage life.  Hope you enjoyed.

XOXOXOXO

 

Mothers Day: A Ranting

I lost my Mother to cancer 17 years ago and in 2 years, I will have known more years without her then with her.  That is a hard thing to comprehend.  Everyday, it gets harder to remember her.  I only remember the very good times and the very bad times and I wish it wasn't that way.  I'd love to remember her laugh, her smell, the way her hand felt in mine.  I'd love the chance to have just one more day with her to ask all the questions my eighteen year old brain couldn't have thought of.  I was a kid.  A kid who didn't fully appreciate her and certainly didn't entertain the thought of life without her until it was far too late.  As you all must remember when you were eighteen, your Mom wasn't exactly high on your priority list and mine certainly wasn't, even though she was sick as hell and all the signs were there that she would be gone soon.  I didn't know.  I truly didn't think she would die until the day it happened. 

My parents kept a lot of her disease from me, to protect me, my Dad would later tell me.  I didn't know how sick she truly was until my Dad called me at work and told me I better come to the hospital.  When I walked into her room, I saw my sleeping Mother.  She slept a lot back then, so I didn't really think it was serious.  It was only when I went to wake her up to let her know I was there that I got the first pain in my chest that told me this was not good.  She didn't wake up.  It was then that my Dad told me she was on morphine to keep her comfortable until the inevitable happened.  I had no idea my Mom would die the next day.  I had no idea that an eighteen year old girl was ever expected to live without her Mother.  I had no idea what she meant to me until she was gone. 

I can't apologize to her for ever being a brat.  I can't let her know the joy she brought to my life.  I can't hug her.  I can't curl up on the couch and watch TV with her.  I can't tell her I love her.  And I do. 

Some days I only think about her once.  Some days I spend hours imagining what she would be like today.  Some days I can think of  nothing else but her and what my life would be like if she where here to share it with me.  Some days I want to scream "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" at the tops of my lungs.  Some days I just can't process what I'm feeling so I burry my sadness as deep as I can.  Some days I'm totally fine.  MOST days I'm totally fine now that more time has passed, but when it hits me, it hits hard.  Especially on days like today.  

My Mom was cool.  My Mom was funny as hell.  My Mom was soft and warm.  My Mom was beautiful.  My Mom loved my sister and I more then anything in the world.  My Mom died of cancer.  In 1997.  6 Months after my high school graduation.  My Mom is now a skeleton in the ground.  The loss of a Mother is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, no matter how old they are.  I just want to hug her.  Right now.  Please.  I'm angry and I'm sad and I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss her.

XOXO
Robyn

I'm Happy....

I distinctly remember writing a paper in high school about what my adult life would look like in my 16 year old mind.  A college graduate, a record producer (which I'm still not really even sure of what that ACTUALLY is), a wife, a mother, a home owner and, inexplicably to me as a grown up version of that student, a vegetarian.  I had it all figured out, as the assignment was to be as detailed as possible.  I would wake up, get the 2.5 kids ready for school, see my architect husband off to work, and go to my recording studio (what??).  I remember the paper detailed that I would meet "the band" at the studio (this making me laugh, like out loud, right now) and we would lay down some tracks (laughing harder).  Then I would pick the kids up from school, make them do their homework, play with our yellow lab named Mustard (I was a weird 16 year old), and prepare some delicious vegetarian meal.  My husband would come from architecting (I don't know....drawing a futuristic mall all day or something?) and we would all tell each other about our day.  Repeat 5 days a week and on weekends we would go to Monster Truck rallies or art museums or volunteer at a homeless shelter.  This was the ideal life of my teenage self, I guess.

I have none of these things.  I am not married, no kids, no house, no Mustard.  I'm not a record producer (someone seriously tell what that really is) nor did I graduate college.  I eat a lot of various meats and have never even considered being a vegetarian.  Not once.  I have none of these things, yet I'm happy.  Take THAT 16 year old me!

I think that, from an early age, we are programmed to want the cool things we see around us.  Obviously.  What else is there to want besides what you have been positively surrounded by?  When you're a kid, you think the families on your favorite sitcom are something you aspire to have.  You think that your family is NOTHING like this perfect family (except Roseanne, of course) and you want to create that for yourself.  You are inspired by your teachers and are determined to teach that EXACT social studies class when you get older.  You see a house on the cover of a magazine at your dentist's office and are certain that you will live in that house by the time you're 25.  Simple.  Well, know-it-all kids, guess what?  NO.

You can plan your life all you want, but in the end your life will just kind of HAPPEN to you.  The choices you make, the people you choose to share your life with, the hard work you put into any little thing, THAT'S what life is.  I'm telling you right now....you can't plan it.  You can plan to go to college, graduate and work hard to procure your dream job, but the family thing will have wait.  You can plan to have the 2.5 kids, the house and Mustard, but some of your passions and career aspirations will either be put on hold or disappear all together.  The full package, as mentioned in the above high school assignment, is a myth.  Sure, there are people that are living their perfect life, but I can guarantee you, their version of their perfect life has changed, in more ways then one.

The moral of the story, kids (HIMYM), is that happiness lies in your immediate vicinity.  If not, change either your version of perfect or your surroundings.  Either way, don't think about what you thought your life would be like.  It's not that.  It probably will never be that.  But, you still win if you are happy.  Always.