The gym that almost wasn't...

I used to work out at a gym in Waukegan.  Every day.  For up to an hour of solid cardio and some strength training.  I was so happy and energized and I felt so good about myself.  I lost about 50 pounds and everyone was so proud of me.  I bought new jeans and went out on the weekends and didn't think twice about people thinking I was fat or unattractive.  That was three years ago.  I stopped going one day and just never went back.  I felt so guilty for missing a day, then I thought....what the hell?  I didn't go tot he gym today, so I might as well make it a total loss and eat ice cream too.  That was it.  I never went back to the gym and I continued to eat ice cream and crappy food and now I weigh 15 pounds MORE then when I started working out.  Gross.

So, I decided to join this gym again.  I really did like it there and I loved the view out the huge windows from the elliptical.  I had made up my mind to re-join last Thursday.  That night I packed my backpack with yoga pants, my favorite t shirt, 2 sports bras, deodorant and my gym shoes.  The next morning I put the backpack in the backseat of my car, determined to go the the gym after work and start doing what I found I loved to do three years ago.  During work, I was so nervous.  Skinny people go the gym.  People who don't NEED to go the gym go the gym.  I was embarrassed of the way my ginormous ass looked in my yoga pants and I didn't know what people would say once they saw me try to work out.  After all morning worrying, I psyched myself up and went to the store on my lunch break and bought sweat bands, ear phones and a lock for the locker room at the gym.  I was set.  The afternoon flew by and even though I was tired and my eyes were burning from staring at a computer screen all day, I went.  I couldn't believe I actually drove there.  I was in the parking lot and noticed a gaggle of perfectly athletic teenage girls standing around by the front door.  If anyone was going to make fun of me, it would be them.  I got out of my car, took a deep breath, and made my way the front door.  I passed the gaggle as if they didn't exist and once I opened the front door, there they were.  If the girls outside were a gaggle, this was an all out army of fit, beautiful teenage girls.  Just my luck, a fucking basketball tournament.  I started sweating and my face, I'm sure, turned bright red, but nevertheless, I went up the front counter and said "I'd like to start a membership please."  I breathed a sigh if relief.  I did it.  I got here.  I'm in.  I was so proud of myself and  happy and then it happened.  The young man behind said, "You can't."  The words echoed in my head over and over.  After all of the preparing and anxiety, I was being rejected.  When I asked him why I couldn't join, he simply said, "Our system is down, come back tomorrow."  You guys?  I was crushed.  He didn't offer to have me start on my paperwork, he didn't offer to show me around the gym, he didn't even offer a chance to pay for that day just to get a workout in.  He just said "no."  I looked at him with a deflated face and went back to my car.  Past the army, past the gaggle.  I got in my car and cried.  I had so looked forward to starting my weight loss and I was just turned away.  It.  Sucked.  That little boy had no idea what he did to me that day.  He crushed me.  He had no idea my back story, why I was there, or the first thing about customer service.  I vowed never to return....

NO WAY!!  I'm not going to let some asshole at the front desk of a gym stop me!  Is that what you really thought of me?  Hell no.  I went back the next day, went up the same stupid boy and got my membership without even saying thank you.  THAT'LL show him.  :)  I really feel like, at the end of the day, I just want to work out.  I don't care anymore how that turd treated me, I just want to do what's best for me.

So, tomorrow is my first day of work outs.  I will be there at 6:30pm.  I will workout until I can't anymore.  I will look at the cute, tight butts around me and know that someone else will be looking at MY cute, tight butt one day. 

Wish me luck.

XOXOXO

A little background.....

I can remember the first time I snuck any kind of food when I was a kid.  I must have been about 6 years old and my Mom had just bought a big box of individually wrapped Twix bars for our lunches.  I had never seen candy in bulk like that.  Sure, I'd seen candy bars at the checkout line when grocery shopping with my Mom, but this was IN.  MY.  HOUSE.  I thought I had died and went to naughty girl heaven.  My Mom and Dadworked full time and when my sister and I got home from school, we would generally be alone for about an hour.  I knew that was my window for hijinx.  The next day after scool went something like this:

"Oh my GOD.  That WHOLE box of Twix are in the cupboard.  Right.  Now.  No, no.  Mom said I could have an  apple.  But....if I took ONE Twix from that GIANT box, she'll never notice.  OK.  Just ONE.  (Open cupboard.  Check if my sister is still in her room.  Yes.  Grab ONE Twix, run in the bathroom.  Lock the door.)  THIS is amazing.  I am now eating a forbidden treat, enjoying the HECK out of it, and no one will ever know.  This is too easy!  So easy, in fact, I think I'll go get another one.  (Cupboard.  Sister.  Grab.  Bathroom.  Lock the door.)  TWO?!  I just ate TWO Twix, which is the equivalent to the package that you buy at the store.  Totally awesome, totally got away with it, totally getting another one.  (CupboardSisterGrabBathroomLock).  This is the best day of my life.  I love candy.  I love being unsupervised.  I love that the box of Twix is SO huge, that I can eat as many as I want without my Mom ever noticing.  I'm....getting another one.  (Cupboard.  Sister.  Cupboard.  Looking in box.  You can plainly see some are missing.)  OK, Mom is going to notice FOUR Twix are gone.  I'm in deep doo doo.  How can I talk my way out of this?  I can't.  My Mom is smart and I am naughty.  No contest.  Screw it.  I'm eating the whole box.  I'm already in trouble and I'm going for it.  (Cupboard.  Don't CARE if sister knows at this point.  Take WHOLE box into the bathroom.  lock the door.  Eat until I have a tummy ache.)  THAT was awesome......but I feel sick."

Now, I don't remember what happened when my parents got home or how much trouble I got in, but I do remember the exhilaration and the happy feeling I got when eating those Twix in the bathroom.

SO.....now I'm 33 years old and I have been through some shit.  Most of the time, after a stressful day at work or thinking the losses in my life, I just want to go the store, buy a huge box of Twix and eat the whole damn thing.  But, I don't.  But I'll tell you what I DO do.....I come home from work, eat a shitty fast food large sized meal, sit in front of my TV, wonder how I got to be this fat and feel sorry for myself.  This is the truth.  I am ready to change that.

I'm hoping this blog will help me in my weight loss journey by sharing my stories with you out there.  My struggles, achievements, memories of how I got here and general getting-off-my-chest-ery.

Thanks for reading.  Much more to come.

XOXOXO