Mothers Day: A Ranting

I lost my Mother to cancer 17 years ago and in 2 years, I will have known more years without her then with her.  That is a hard thing to comprehend.  Everyday, it gets harder to remember her.  I only remember the very good times and the very bad times and I wish it wasn't that way.  I'd love to remember her laugh, her smell, the way her hand felt in mine.  I'd love the chance to have just one more day with her to ask all the questions my eighteen year old brain couldn't have thought of.  I was a kid.  A kid who didn't fully appreciate her and certainly didn't entertain the thought of life without her until it was far too late.  As you all must remember when you were eighteen, your Mom wasn't exactly high on your priority list and mine certainly wasn't, even though she was sick as hell and all the signs were there that she would be gone soon.  I didn't know.  I truly didn't think she would die until the day it happened. 

My parents kept a lot of her disease from me, to protect me, my Dad would later tell me.  I didn't know how sick she truly was until my Dad called me at work and told me I better come to the hospital.  When I walked into her room, I saw my sleeping Mother.  She slept a lot back then, so I didn't really think it was serious.  It was only when I went to wake her up to let her know I was there that I got the first pain in my chest that told me this was not good.  She didn't wake up.  It was then that my Dad told me she was on morphine to keep her comfortable until the inevitable happened.  I had no idea my Mom would die the next day.  I had no idea that an eighteen year old girl was ever expected to live without her Mother.  I had no idea what she meant to me until she was gone. 

I can't apologize to her for ever being a brat.  I can't let her know the joy she brought to my life.  I can't hug her.  I can't curl up on the couch and watch TV with her.  I can't tell her I love her.  And I do. 

Some days I only think about her once.  Some days I spend hours imagining what she would be like today.  Some days I can think of  nothing else but her and what my life would be like if she where here to share it with me.  Some days I want to scream "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" at the tops of my lungs.  Some days I just can't process what I'm feeling so I burry my sadness as deep as I can.  Some days I'm totally fine.  MOST days I'm totally fine now that more time has passed, but when it hits me, it hits hard.  Especially on days like today.  

My Mom was cool.  My Mom was funny as hell.  My Mom was soft and warm.  My Mom was beautiful.  My Mom loved my sister and I more then anything in the world.  My Mom died of cancer.  In 1997.  6 Months after my high school graduation.  My Mom is now a skeleton in the ground.  The loss of a Mother is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, no matter how old they are.  I just want to hug her.  Right now.  Please.  I'm angry and I'm sad and I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss her.

XOXO
Robyn